27 June 2012

XXI - EXTRA Humorous grammar rules


HUMOROUS GRAMMAR RULES

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. Winston Churchill, corrected on this error once, responded to the young man who corrected him by saying "Young man, that is the kind of impudence up with which I will not put!

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly over and over again.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't always necessary and shouldn't be used to excess so don't.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.

14. All generalizations are bad.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake (Unless they are as good as gold).

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Don't overuse exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.

27. Don't use too many quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a billion times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. Besides, hyperbole is always overdone, anyway.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions? However, what if there were no rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate simplistic matters.

35. People don't spell "a lot" correctly alot of the time.

36. Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly.

37. All grammar and spelling rules have exceptions (with a few exceptions)....Morgan's Law.

38. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

39. The dash - a sometimes useful punctuation mark - can often be overused - even though it's a helpful tool some of the time.

40. Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any words.

41. In writing, it's important to remember that dangling sentences.

IV - A BIT CONFUSED Also, well & too

ALSO, AS WELL AND TOO
Also means 'besides', 'as well', 'too' and similar ideas. It normally goes in mid position with the verb. It is placed after auxiliary verbs and before other verbs.

· He got his article published. He also won an award.
· She is a doctor. Her husband is also a doctor.
· When they withdraw their forces, we shall also withdraw ours.


When also refers to the whole clause, it goes at the beginning.

· I am not about to buy this house. It is small. Also, it needs a lot of repairs.

Also, as well and too have similar meanings. But they go in different positions in clauses.
As well and too usually go at the end of a clause.

· She not only sings; she also plays the piano.
· She not only sings; she plays the piano as well.
· She not only sings; she plays the piano too.
 
We do not normally use also in short answers and imperatives. Instead we use as well and too.

· 'I have a headache.' 'I have too.' (BUT NOT I also have.)
· In an informal style we use 'me too', instead of I am too.
· 'I am going home.' 'Me too.' (More natural than 'I am too.')

IX - GRAMMAR Use of the article

USE OF THE ARTICLE
This is a complex area and correct use of articles is one of the most difficult things to get right in English. However, there are a few basic ground rules which we can try to follow and I will set them out below. I cannot cover everything in a single post, but I will try to mention the most important.

Referring to particular 'definite' things or people: the

When it is clear to both people in the interaction which things or people are being referred to, we use the:

·         The children (= our children) must be awake. I can hear John playing the piano in the sitting room (i.e. in our house)
·         The book you gave me last weekend was so exciting. I couldn't put it down.
·         When you next go to the supermarket, could you get me some pizza bases?

Second or subsequent mention: the

When we refer to something for the first time, we use an indefinite article (a/an) because the person we are talking to knows nothing about it. But when it is recognized or known, we use the:

·         I saw a squirrel in the garden (= our garden) this morning ~ Was it a red squirrel or a grey squirrel? ~ It was a grey squirrel. I think the squirrel was looking for a nut it had buried under the apple tree (i.e. the apple tree in our garden).

Unique objects: the

When we refer to unique aspects of our environment that everybody is familiar with, we use the:

·         I love listening to the wind and the rain beating on the window panes when I am inside my cottage.
·         One day I would like to fly to the moon and visit the nearest planets.
  Descripción: http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/learnit/images/furniture/clear.gif
Categories or groups of people: the

If we are referring to groups of people the is required. Here are some examples:

·         The homeless are well looked after at Christmas, but not at other times of the year.
·         The poor may benefit more from the tax change than the better-off.

With superlatives: the

It is normal to insert the before the adjective + noun in superlative sentences as there is only one of its kind in this category:

·         Jane is quite a good swimmer.
·         Rachel is a better swimmer.
·         But Jacky is undoubtedly the best swimmer in the class

Seas / rivers / mountain ranges / island groups / deserts : the

·         I would never swim in the English Channel. It's far too polluted. 
·         Did you see the fireworks on the Thames on the Eve of the New Millennium?
·         Have you ever been skiing in the Alps?
·         Would you choose the Leeward Islands or the Windward Islands if you were thinking of a holiday in the Caribbean?
·         The Gobi Desert is one of the most inhospitable places in the world.

Continents / most countries / counties / states / towns / buildings / most streets / lakes / most single mountains: zero article

'Most' in the above listing indicates that there are occasional exceptions to the general rule of no article before examples in these categories. See below:

·         Cairo is a good example of a city in Egypt where Asia and Africa meet.
·         The UK, Ireland, the US and Canada are all popular destinations for students of English who want to study overseas.
·         Buckingham Palace, the main residence of the Queen is located at the end of the Mall in central London
·         Lake Como has always been popular as a holiday retreat for the English.
·         Kent and Essex are to the Thames what Louisiana and Mississippi are to the Mississippi river. 
·         Mont Blanc and the Matterhorn are two well-known mountains in the French and Swiss Alps.

Things in general: zero article

When we are discussing things in general, we normally use zero article with plural and uncountable nouns:

·         Formal education in Britain begins when children reach the age of five.
·         Basketball is more popular in China than football.
·         Patience and gratitude are qualities which are rarely observed in the youth of today.
·         But note, when we want to be specific:
·         The education I received was substandard.
·         The football played by Liverpool in their last match was awesome.

Common expressions: zero article

There are a number of common fixed expressions used with certain prepositions involving everyday time and place nouns where zero article is required:

·         At university I never bother with lunch, but always eat breakfast and supper. At school I always ate lunch and dinner, but never breakfast.
·         In Newcastle, you can always get into town late at night and home again by tube, bus or taxi.

Note that the prepositions listed above are often not the only prepositions possible. We can also say e.g. to/at/into/from church and to/in/into/out of bed/prison.